40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.