*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.