My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Discuss