Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
absolute chaos
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Is your wife single?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.