Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am