Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
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My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
liiiiiiiiike
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR