MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
You Might Also Like
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
OMG 🤣🤣
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.