A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
stop
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.