*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
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ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
okay run it by me one more time
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.