There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
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Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?