it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
You Might Also Like
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
my professor scared me for a second
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.