[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
You Might Also Like
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
ok this is my dumbest yet
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.