date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.