Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
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New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I’m an avid indoorsman.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
next question.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”