The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
You Might Also Like
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.