I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
You Might Also Like
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.