spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
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I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
sry
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.