ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
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SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL