if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
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I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My blood type is coffee.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.