I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
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Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
My kitchen overserved me.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.