[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
*ernest hemingway voice*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them