Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
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“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover