[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
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Me: Hiβ
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: βand would you like fries with that?
Iβm wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other peopleβs lives. Itβs like βI saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.β
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Punish millennials by making a Threeβs Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, βdoes your hand usually smell like chicken?β
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
βYou donβt trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.β
Canβt. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because itβd be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ββ ββββ is βββββ ββββ and ββ ββββ.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow