him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I’m crying im so happy for them
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”