Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
eggs benadryl
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.