Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
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[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
No chill.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band