Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
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ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income