Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
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This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Perfect
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom