[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
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*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Teamwork makes the dream work.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”