A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.