“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.