detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired