Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
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This could’ve been an email.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
shut up and take my money
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I have obtained a hat