It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!