Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
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I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.