I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
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*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.