What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
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When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?