Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Ummm
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Quadruple digit IQ
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids