Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
#parenting
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say