Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
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I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…