Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Facebook marketplace is a different world
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great