astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
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The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Living the best life.. 😊
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Passwords are more important than ever.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.