Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
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Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!