Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
You Might Also Like
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
good morning
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.