Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Florida man
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be