Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
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All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.