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[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”