Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
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We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.