If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I already tried new things thanks.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
i hope my email finds you on fire
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.