My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.